In this and future blog postings, I will be sharing wisdom that has helped me survive the trials and tribulations of everyday life. I will begin with the answer to the immortal question: Why do all my relationships fail?
"If in your relationships you experience both "love" and the opposite of love -- attack, emotional violence, and so on -- then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love. You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite. If your "love" has an opposite, then it is not love but a strong ego need for a more complete and deeper sense of self, a need that the other person temporarily meets. It is the ego's substitute for salvation, and for a short time it almost does feel like salvation.
But there comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet your needs, or rather those of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that are an intrinsic part of egoic consciousness but had been covered up by the "love relationship" now resurface. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain. This attack may awaken the partner's own pain, and he or she may counter your attack. At this point, the ego is still unconsciously hoping that its attack or its attempts at manipulation will be sufficient punishment to induce your partner to change their behavior, so that it can use them again as a cover-up for your pain.
Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Whatever the substance you are addicted to -- alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person -- you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain. That is why, after the initial euphoria has passed, there is so much unhappiness, so much pain in intimate relationships. They do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Every addiction does that. Every addiction reaches a point where it does not work for you anymore, and then you feel the pain more intensely than ever."
--Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
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3 comments:
I think the opposite of love is not the presence of negative emotion but rather the absence of any emotion, a.k.a apathy. I also think mature love/relationships occur when we assume a posture of service instead of being served...like I look at this potential partner and think ok, this is a neat person and I think I could lift them up to the level of "exceptional" with my service and my love. Am I there yet, not even close.
The aspect I'm thinking of is how does one break the 'addiction' of a person/relationships? e.g having relationship after relationship and all failing due to that addiction? Cold turkey or mental relationship rehab for months,years or many years?
I do totally agree with the article, as i've thought exactly that about myself in relationships and why they always seem to 'fail'.
All deep stuff.
Matt
I found this randomly and like this post. I also affirm what Teresa said about having an attitude of service. I think that essentially, relationships (romantic, family, platonic, etc.) when we are able to be independently happy and support the other person wholeheartedly in their own growth and endeavors. Using relationships or friendships to cover any emotional lack will definitely lead to problems.
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