Colonoscopii

My good friend Dave and I recently had an email dialog on the subject of colonoscopies. Dave is a very funny guy. He teaches middle school, in case you were wondering, and you'll find a link to his blog here. Since he didn't share his thoughts on colonoscopies on his blog, I am posting them here.

"Chris,
I'm having my first ever colonoscopy today. I had some thoughts on the process thus far, and I had to write them down.

So, I share. Why? because I'm a helper. I help. It's what I do.

If hell has an official soft drink, it's GOT to be Colyte
Because of the unforeseen (and, it must be said, ferocious) efficiency of the Colyte, I ended up with a nasty little rash deal on my . . . well, you know. My wife says to me "Want me to go to the store and get some Destin? It's real good when you're hurtin' in your bobo" Now, the fact that she referred to that part of my body as my "bobo" made me laugh, hard, for 20 minutes, and made me so glad I'd married her I can't even describe it.

Destin really is good when you're hurtin' in your bobo. It's basically zinc oxide paste, but it works like a charm.

I had to take enemas this morning. Plural. I begin to suspect this has no medical purpose, but merely serves to amuse the staff at the hospital.
Either that or its some bizarre government subsidy of the enema industry
Or both

The enema instructions read, in part, "before inserting, remove green protective cap from insertion tube". Thanks for the heads up, guys. Really.
I'll probably have more thoughts after the procedure proper is over. Whether they'll be thoughts I can or should share, I'll let you know.

Yours in colo-rectal health,
Dave"

Dave,
Having had three colonoscopys (ies?), I have a few additional thoughts on the matter:

Colyte is chemically the same as Palmolive dishwashing liquid. Why do you need a prescription for colyte but not palmolive, I wonder?

To avoid future rashes on the bobo, I recommend liberal use of vaseline on the bobo before the colyte has its desired effect. Not only will this protect the bobo, you may find that it stimulates your wink wink.

I have wondered about the purpose of the enemas myself given that the colyte is so damn effective. But if you really want to amuse the staff, I would suggest inserting some innocuous item in your rectum such as a live gerbil. Having once worked at a hospital, I learned that there is simply no better way to amuse hospital staff.

I am looking forward to your thoughts on the Demoral/Versed cocktail that you will soon be taking intravenously, the purpose of which is not to sedate you, but to make you forget the experience. I believe this combination of drugs was discovered as part of a technology exchange program with aliens.
--Chris

"Chris,
Really, I can't say enough good things about the Demerol/versed combo. The actual procedure was a piece of cake compared to the preparatory stuff. If they'd mix a little dem/ver in the Colyte mix, then they'd have something.

I asked them if I could have a case of that stuff in a to-go box, but no dice. The whole "mind wipe" effect would make my current job tolerable, if used on a daily basis.

The first thing that happened this morning was when the nurse hooked me up to the heart monitor, it showed a flatline. I looked up at her and said "I see a light, I see a light . . . ."

She thought that was pretty funny.

It didn't fill me with confidence to have an equipment breakdown right from the git-go, but I thought to myself "I'll take my chances, because I'm not doing that whole burnin' bobo thing again . . . bring it on"

Next thing I knew, Cid was standing next to me asking me how I felt. I got dressed and we went to Jimmy's Egg.

So, class, what have we learned from this little experience?:


Colonoscopies (colonoscopii?) are easy, but the day before is a bitch on wheels.
Colyte is evil; it's of the deb-uhl.
Demerol/versed cocktails are our friend; putting it in the water supply is an idea whose time has come.

I'd rather have a colonoscopy every day of the work-week than teach in the public schools system anymore.
I now have the perfect photo for next year's Christmas cards
Life really is like a "Kids in the Hall" sketch. Remember this one:

[We see Mark on a table, with two strange white "lights" folded down near his head. A sequined blanket is draped over him, and he lies down with his knees curled up into his chest. We see two aliens stand around him. One alien holds a strange device that looks kind of like a lightsaber, but with a solid white plastic piece where the beam would be.]

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.

[Dave switches the device on as it begins to glow. It looks like a lightsaber with a small white beam]

Dave: Anal probe is ready.

Kevin: [nods] Commence anal probing.

[Mark screams loud and long as Dave sticks it where the sun don't shine. He pulls it out, after two seconds and pulls off the white plastic part [to sterilize it?]

Dave: Quick, erase his memory!

[Kevin waves a hand over Mark as the two lighted "paddles" come up. Mark stops yelling and gets a calm look on his face]

Kevin: Memory's erased. Get him out of here.

[Two other aliens come and start to wheel Mark off]

Dave: Move it. [pauses as he moves closer to Kevin] Ah, boy.

Kevin: Something wrong?

Dave: Ah.. it's nothing really....

Kevin: I think you could use a cup of coffee.

Dave: Yeah. [sighs]

[They move to a lounge where Kevin pours two cups of coffee. They keep talking as Dave sits down]

Kevin: So what's bothering you?

Dave: Ahhhh.... Lately I just keep wondering... what's the point?

Kevin: The point?

Dave: Yeah. What's the point of what we do?

Kevin: Sorry, I don't follow you

[Kevin sits down]

Dave: Well, I mean, we travel 250,000 light years across the universe, abduct humans, probe them anally and release them.

Kevin: Yeah... AND?

Dave: Well, doesn't it seem kind of point-LESS?

Kevin: I really don't think about it.

Dave: Well don't you think you should?

Kevin: No, I don't think I should. I don't think I should question the leadership of our Great Leader

Dave: Oh, come on! I mean, we've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes and all that we have learned is that 1 in 10 doesn't really seem to mind.

Kevin: Well, do you have a better plan than our Great Leader?

Dave: Yes I do, I do have a better plan. My plan is that we DON'T travel 250,000 light years, we DON'T abduct any humans and, this is the best part, we DON'T do any anal probing.

Kevin: [sarcastic] Oh, great plan! Do you realize how many people Intergalactic Anal-Probing employs?

[They see that the next victim is ready. They put down the coffee and do the same motions as before, except Dave is very reluctant this time.]

Kevin: Well back to work.

Dave: Awww..

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.

Dave: [unenthusiastic]Anal probe is ready.

Kevin: Commence anal probing

Dave:[rolling eyes, exasperated] Couldn't we at least abduct their political or religious leaders instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?!?!

Kevin: I'm sure the Great Leader has his reasons

Dave: [sarcastic] Well, I'm sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!

Kevin: [calmly] All right. I am now officially ignoring you. Commence anal probing.

[Dave inserts the probe. This victim doesn't scream. Rather, he smiles and looks happy.]

Dave: Well, that's a relief anyway. Erase his memory.

Kevin [going through motions] Memory is erased.

Dave: Get him out of here.

Kevin: [to interns wheeling victim out.] Come on, kid. Move it. Move it!

[They move to the window and look out on the moon and the Earth]

Kevin: You know what you need? A hobby. I know it helps me.

Dave: Yeah? What do you do?

Kevin: Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good amateur rectal photographer. Would you like to see my portfolio?

Dave: No. I would hate to.

Kevin: Fine. Screw you.

Dave: Well, Screw you.

[Kevin moves off, leaving Dave staring at the Earth]

Yours in colorectal hygiene,

Dave"