Fear

For those of you that don’t already know this, I am a member of several spiritual fellowships based on the twelve steps and twelve traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. I would tell you specifically to which fellowships I am referring. However, one of the traditions is that members be anonymous on the level of press radio and film. And it seems to me that a blog counts as press, although that is a very loose interpretation when only 5 family members and friends read it.

Anyway, I have been a member of these fellowships for a very long time. I began attending one when I was 18, because drugs and alcohol had become a big problem in my life. I was very fortunate and the program worked for me. I have not drank alcohol or used any mood altering chemicals for over 24 years.

Through practicing The Twelve Steps, I have come to discover some truths about myself that I want to share here. The first of these subjects I feel compelled to talk about is fear.

Seen at its most basic level, most mental illnesses and certainly alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases fueled by fear, and The Twelve Steps is a spiritual tool kit for combating fear. Now everyone experiences fear, however I believe that alcoholics and drug addicts experience fear differently than normal people. Alcoholics and addicts are more in touch with the basic fear that comes from being aware of your own mortality. On a very deep core level, they are relentlessly terrorized by the possibility of the extinguishing of self.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all have that fear. All of us know on some level that we could be dead tomorrow, or for that matter later on today. But we all have elaborate systems of denial (personal faith if you will) that allow us to function in spite of that knowledge. For a variety of reasons, these systems aren’t working consistently in alcoholics and drug addicts. For recovery to take place, the alcoholic/addict needs to find a new system; a faith that works.

Ironically, this faulty denial system and the accompanying sense of impending doom causes alcoholics and drug addicts to be quite cavalier about risking death. If you make the mistake of telling a newly recovering drug-addict that his core problem is the fear of death, then he will probably tell you that he is not at all afraid of death – that he risks death all of the time. Often times alcoholic/addicts aren’t even aware that they are in discomfort. The feeling has been with them for as long as they can remember. And even if they are aware of the feeling, they don’t usually have the capacity to recognize the underlying cause. Furthermore, the risk of death creates a rush of adrenaline which serves to diminish the core fear that is causing so many problems. So they go back and do it again.

For example, I once believed that I was fearless. I took up sky-diving shortly after quitting drugs and alcohol. I thoroughly enjoyed it until one day I came very close to death - twice. My main parachute malfunctioned and I had to cut it away and pull my reserve. My reserve 'chute was, to put it diplomatically, minimal. It saved my life, but it gave me almost no maneuverability, and I came very close to landing in some very high voltage power lines. Imagine almost dying, feeling miraculously saved, then almost dying again in about 3 minutes. It threw a breaker switch in my brain. I learned not only do I fear death, but I fear it a lot. I learned that I am really a wimp.

Anyway, today I am 24 years away from my last drink or drug. And The Twelve Steps have diminished that core fear by attacking it from both sides. I have a much stronger faith in a higher power than I once had, and I have more humility than I once had. But I still look for some addictive behavior to engage in the minute I get triggered by fear. Any activity that will keep my mind occupied so that I don’t have to experience the fear will work -- writing this entry in my blog, for example.